{ write a book cassidy }

{ self }

She expected loss. How can one not, when one’s heart is locked away in a tower, a thousand miles west. Loss becomes a permanent vibration in a fool. Played on a banjo, with a tremble in ones voice. That tremble is what sealed her fate. She swayed like a linen, blow into a tree, stuck and shivering below force. Its amazing. The way spirit dies for love. I am humbled by those whom have made this journey with successful escape. She floats by. In a crashing sort of way. The paradox is inevitable, it is truly what keeps us human.
I asked myself, “How afraid am I of beauty?” “What matters most?”
And mostly,
“what the fuck is going on here?”
That just opens the can of worms though, opens pandora’s box so to say,
And then youre fucked. The street signs go away, the people start to act funny. You feel strange.
The golden butterfly pivots on the edge of doubt, she cascades beyond knowing, splendid with being, perilously spinning, beyond tall cedars, towards the ocean she flows. Unstoppable.
Then you make a choice. Follow or stay behind.
You look to your feet. Smile with the beauty of hesitation. Of defeat. Of self sabotage and love making. Everything that is beautiful here belongs now to the wind, and she breaks open her wings. You cannot follow a butterfly by foot, you must fly to be where she goes.
You must lose part of yourself to change. This is your fate. This is your faith.
Evolution. Trial with mistake. Growth with momentum. Time if you will. Space if you insist. Honest. 99% definable nothingness.
We are and are not what we create. You cannot define face.
Im afraid of losing myself, to an inevitable end, when loss is not the only true win.
There is a Para box sitting on my floor, staring at me.
She is humbled by her work. To find that dot, that tiny sphere, that is eternal goodness, the golden snitch within each one of us. Our work is not to capture it. The work is to grow it. To nourish life, to help life thrive. You have to get honest about what innocence and purity look like in true form. You work to understand the destruction. The heartbreak. You work to expand goodness. To open your heart. And you work for all of that which is alive. You honor and respect the power of your choices. With humility. Because you expand your sense of goodness. You do not replace “me” with “you”. You find common space, wholeness that surrounds your heart and fractures it to billions of divine sparkling specks. You fall in love with your world again. Enough to let it all go. You love your life enough to swallow it whole. Without Self pity. You get 20 minutes of self pity, then you sink that ship/t. You CAN. You can. You can! Because you understand your goodness, you understand the faults, and you make a responsible choice. You chose to heal your hurts. The work is expanding your goodness. Heal your hurts so that while you embrace another, you aren’t squeezing them between your love and a struggle. Heal your hurts, take your time, and be honest with all you love. What we love is fragile. Its transitory. Impermanent.

When I was a teen ager I spoke like a teenager. And this wasn’t to discredit the validity of my thoughts. I couldn’t talk like an adult or act like one. I would hide behind chairs if I was afraid. I would scream if I was scared. This is how we spoke. Shame is a truly elusive creature. We truly believe our opinions don’t matter to the degree of importance of spirit breaking. In English, we put others down for being themselves. We judge and shame other people because the difference scares us. And when we are judged and shamed we are horrified, we are mortified, we are all kinds of human things.
The work is to expand your goodness. To make responsible choices. The work is to evolve. From babies to children that dream, from innocence to experience to beyond, and hopefully right on into responsible, mindful, evolved adults. That don’t act like ostriches most seasons. When its convenient.
The shitty part is this is our fault. But not because we can’t agree. Not because we are children playing with life changing technology. Not because we aren’t brilliant. Not because we aren’t capable.
The work is the choice to be. Present. Honest. Willing. Kind to yourself. Gentle with yourself. So that you may expand your goodness, and your reach of kindness can heal other hearts. Naturally.
Deeper  intelligence =less mess
More mindfulness= less stress
Heal yourself so that you may love to your highest capacity. So that your wings are not weighed down.
Without shame of being who you are right now. Have the strength to stand up from where you are. Have the patience to be kind and mindful enough to meet yourself where you truly are. Let the realization of all your potential goodness be a light bent rainbow shield, that will protect you from your darkest places, that will be with you while light increases, that will stay even if a storm blows in and light simply is no more. The truth is, you can. The truth is,
We all need help.
This does not look like what is looks like right now.
We will cause pain while we grow. We grow like trees, our bark is weathered. Our form is strengthened and weakened by these grooves. What is vulnerability when it’s buried beneath ten years of heartache? To me it can often look like jealousy. Infinite possibility. Same variables, billions of combinations. We are all made from the same vibrations, set to different songs, beyond beyond.
Surprise, surprise, we all bleed red, it’s the oxygen.

 – cassidy.millar –


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